Bold statement I know! But one I’m sure you’ve probably heard before? Ok so, I know I’m only 25 years old and you’re probably thinking ‘how much can something change your life this early on!?’ I get it, but I promise you…I am a whole new person in so many ways and I owe that all to finding yoga. I’m not exaggerating when I say the impact this has had on my life, my mental health and my happiness over the last few years has been extraordinary and this is my number one motivation for turning to teaching. I KNOW how much this can change people’s lives for the better and I want to scream it from the roof tops daily!
Let me tell you a little bit about me and how I came to find yoga. I’m Amy, I graduated from university in 2019 with a degree in Fine Art – bit of a shift in direction I know!
Similarly, to the majority of people today (unfortunately), I have battled with my mental health for quite a few years; anxiety, low moods and bouts of depression. Around the start of my final year at university in 2018 I found myself at my lowest point. I was not enjoying nor doing well at uni, I couldn’t find a job, the end of my degree was fast approaching and like many of us… I had absolutely no idea of what I wanted to do next! I didn’t have any hobbies that I enjoyed, I hadn’t exercised in years, I was eating nothing but junk food, most days I stayed in my PJs instead of even going to uni because I couldn’t face it. My self-worth and self-confidence was shattered. I felt stuck and everything in my life made me feel inadequate, I wasn’t good enough and I hated everything about myself. My mental health was rapidly on the decline. I felt like I was letting myself down, I felt like I didn’t even know who Amy was or what she even liked to do anymore; I was lost, completely lost and I didn’t have any kind of escape from these feelings.
Over the years I felt I’d lost my identity, I had no idea who I was or who I was meant to be, everything felt a bit pointless, like there was no purpose to my life. I realised that for the entirety of my life so far, I’d put my happiness in the hands of other people, places, experiences and external objects. It was always ‘I’ll be happy when… when I graduate, when I get to go on holiday, when I get a good job’ it was never about ‘what makes Amy happy now?’. At this point I honestly had no idea what made me happy, but what I did know was that something had to change. First up… the gym! Everyone always goes on about how great exercise makes you feel (huge eyeroll from me at this time because EUGH…the gym). I was always terrified of going to the gym because I was so unfit and with having no confidence whatsoever already, it’s hard to walk into a place like a gym! There’s the anxiety about being judged, about not being able to do anything… I know this is something that the majority of us have felt, isn’t it? But I needed SOMETHING to focus on, something, anything to give me that serotonin boost. I won’t lie, at first it was hell, it was HARD but the feeling afterwards was amazing and after a few weeks I was hooked and I even built up the courage to give yoga a try.
So here I am, at my first ever yoga class, and guess what!? I HATED IT! I HATED YOGA! I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why people would go on about yoga being incredible because I didn’t enjoy a single second of my first yoga class. The thing is, I am (well I was) a pretty competitive person, not so much in the sense that I like winning or being better than others but more in the sense that I am competitive with myself – I like to be good at things… and I like to be good at things straight away! So just imagine, competitive Amy stuck in her very first yoga class, can’t touch her toes, looking around the room at people twice her age who look completely comfortable with their leg somewhere that didn’t actually look physically possible for a human body! No lie, during this class the teacher approached me 3 times and told me to keep breathing; because there I was… bright red, shaking, determined to get into these crazy yoga poses that my body had never even attempted before! Throughout the whole class I was thinking to myself ‘this is RUBBISH! WHY do people rave about yoga!? Who are all these crazy people saying yoga is relaxing because I feel worse than I did before the class! I’m in pain, I stopped breathing 10 minutes ago, I’m majorly insecure because here I am, 22 years old and I can’t touch my toes but there’s a 70 odd year-old man in front of me practically doing the splits. WHAT!?’ It’s a no from me.
I went back, obviously… competitive Amy, remember. That side of me that likes to be good at things was screaming ‘I’ll touch my toes by next week just you watch me’. Completely the wrong mindset for yoga by the way! But I went back, and I found that the teacher kept picking on me! It was a big class, maybe 30-40 people and every single time I went back they would approach me, reminding me to breathe, loosen my posture, RELAX, etc. etc. and I remember at the time just thinking OMG give me a break! They weren’t picking on me, of course! I’m fully aware now that it was all because they could see that I simply wasn’t there to do yoga. I wasn’t listening to their instructions, I wasn’t listening to my own body, I wasn’t using my breath, I was so obviously there to push myself in an attempt to get silly results overnight, to prove a point, to who!? To myself!? For what!?
It actually took me a few months to realise this, but once I did, I started to let my guard down and I was no longer focused on touching my toes or on anyone else in the room. I got connected to my breathing and I started listening to how far my body could go on that day. I remember the first time I managed to switch off my thoughts/judgements about myself for the whole class and that was when I first learned to be present. Game changer! The feeling I got at the end of each class was overwhelming; I fell in love with the process of yoga instead of being focussed my progress. A lot of my anxiety prior to starting yoga was due to me always living in the future – what’s next? What will happen if? If I don’t do this now then what will happen later? So, at first there was so much resistance for me practising yoga because it required me to be present, a concept that was almost alien to me. If I don’t stress about the future then surely the world around me will burst into flames, right?! WRONG! Once I started accepting this and letting go of the need to be stressed about the future, I learned to be actually present; and even if it was for just 1 hour during my yoga class that was at least 1 hour off, 1 hour less of worrying about everything else.
Being present is one of the biggest lessons I leaned through yoga, but it also taught me to stop being so hard on myself, to love and celebrate what my body can do instead of focusing on and being upset by what it can’t do. I started to love my body and myself again because I was more connected to it. This was a super important part of it all for me. Getting connected to my body again through yoga gave me confidence, I stopped the negative self-talk, I knew that I was a good person with a good heart and the only person I needed acceptance and validation from was myself and I started to treat my body differently from this moment on. I became more aware, more present, and all of these things started to transfer over into all aspects of my life. When I know I can push myself I will, when I know I’m tired I rest. When I know that something is out of my control, I breathe. These are the most important things I push in all of my classes … get comfortable, listen to YOUR body, be present and forget about whatever anyone else is doing, forget about what you think you should be doing and instead, just BE!
For me, yoga isn’t about the physical practice of yoga. Don’t get me wrong I love the physical aspects of yoga, I love how my body feels, I love that I’m stronger, fitter, more flexible, have good balance (most days). But the main reason I love yoga is for what it has taught me about life and about myself. It has changed my entire outlook, my mindset and the way I approach everyday challenges, from general life tasks to dealing with my emotions, relationships, feelings, self-talk, the list could go on forever! It’s not about looking good in the poses its about FEELING GOOD in your body and more importantly in your mind. It’s not something that happens overnight, it takes time, patience and a lot of self-work to get to this point. I feel it’s important for me to share this little story with you because I often get comments about how I’m always very positive and happy or even little comments about how high I can get my leg in a class, and I think it’s important to point out that it definitely hasn’t always been like this for me! It still isn’t the case 100% of the time either! We’re all guilty of comparing ourselves to other people, and a lot of the time we compare ourself to someone who’s already so far ahead! It’s so easily done, but we have to remember that everybody is different and this journey is no one else’s but our own!
Although most of the time we practice yoga in a group setting, it is very much a personal practice and once you start to understand yoga as more than just exercise, just poses, that is when you will start to connect with your body and your mind on another level and it will be SO magical! I will be eternally grateful for the fact that I found yoga and meditation this early on in my life and the fact that I can now share this with you is honestly the best feeling in the world.
I hope this little insight into my story was helpful, and serves a gentle reminder that we all start somewhere. And you can start right here, right now! If any of what I’ve spoken about here resonates with you and you’re ready to make a change in your life then I honestly can’t recommend yoga enough! Take the first step in taking back control over your own life. You won’t regret it!
On that note I will leave you with one of my favourite quotes to live by…
“In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or step back into safety.”